Pitty Party

First of all, I love having a day where I can tell my mom thank you for everything that she did for me. I know that she had one or two rough Mother's Days in the past. I really hope that Mother's Days are much more pleasant for her now and can look back on her role as a mother and be happy with everything that she did. I hope that she has no regrets. Thanks Mom for being a really good mom.

Me, on the other hand, I look at Mother's Day as a time to reflect on what a crap job I did. I couldn't keep up with the housework. I couldn't do the laundry so they all had to do their own. I didn't make them breakfast, I don't think EVER. I didn't have wonderful heart to heart talks with them where they told me that they love me, at least not very often. I can't even get my kids to walk into a church without a full blown argument. I feel like a failure. It's hard to think of anything that I did do right. I worked 2 or 3 jobs and pretty much cooked dinner and went to bed.

This Mother's Day was no different. It started out a typical Sunday morning; the kids sitting around, clothes in the dryer to get the wrinkles out, making themselves breakfast. Since I play the organ, I like to get to the church by 9:40. That means we have to pull out of the driveway at 9:30, no later. At 9:20 I asked one child if he was ready and he just looked at me, while in his underwear and no shirt on (which is totally not allowed) and kept on eating very slowly.

9:30 I said I had to go and went out to the car. Craig got his stuff and came right out. We sat, and then Craig decided that he needed to check to make sure that they knew we were waiting. Here comes Craig and one child, but no sign of the second. We waited, and waited. Soon it was 9:38 and here comes the second child walking very slowly. He gets into the car and I try to explain to him why I need to be on time to church. It then blew up into a big deal that supposedly I force the boys to church and look how going to church makes us all "so happy". But the real kicker is, Craig thinks that I shouldn't be angry after comments like those.

Am I wrong to feel hurt? When I said that I would rather the boys stay home than have to fight them every Sunday, I was told that I was the one being unreasonable. Me. Hmmm.

When it was time for the Aaronic Priesthood to hand out flowers to the mothers, do you think one of my own boys would give me one? No. One made it a point to pass over me. One of the other little boys in church had to give me my flower.

After church the boys decided that they had to go to their mom's. That's fine. They should. Did either one of them wish ME a happy Mother's Day? No. They had plenty of opportunity. I feel that they were refusing to. Thanks. I gave up a real life to help raise them. Who took on the second and third jobs to feed and clothe them. Not Craig, and certainly NOT their own mother.

So, I guess that makes me wonder, what IS my role here? Is it a Mother? Or am I just an ogre with whom they share a home? If so, why do I have to make all the sacrifices and not either one of the "real" parents do? Why don't I get any of the perks of being a parent? Am I truly a nobody? I wonder what would happen if I just quit work, refuse to do all the day-to-day chores of taking care of teen aged boys and stopped feeding them?

I have to say though, my OWN kids REALLY made me feel loved and appreciated. It was a real blessing to be able to spend time with them and I am so thankful for all the very thoughtful gifts that they gave me. Each one of my own children made a special effort to make sure that they wished me a happy Mother's Day. It really reminded me of how much I miss them being around. Quite a contrast.

Next year, I'm going to rent a hotel room and invite my own children to visit me. Then I will not have to be reminded that I am not the boys' mother, not worthy of a simple "Happy Mother's Day", and not have to spend the day in complete inner turmoil.

It's not all fun at The Funny Farm.