Welcome to the Funny Farm!: A Little Clarification

Saturday, April 25, 2009

A Little Clarification

I figured that I had some "splainin'" to do after I wrote my column entitled, "What Do You Say When...". I realized after mom called me that maybe I should clarify a few things.

First, the divorce that I spoke of was my first husband, not Craig. Craig says everybody just better get used to him 'cause he's going to be around for a LONG time.

The IRS was mistaken. I only made $15,000 that year. It was Steve's bill that was $15,000. But it sure made me think about how I was going to fight with the IRS. Not a good situation. But I am cleared of that bill.

Linda does not "live" with a man. She has a male roommate. They had decided to be roommates before they even met. They met on roommates.com. He has a girlfriend, and she dates other guys. Strange, but true.

As far as CPS goes, Craig's ex-wife sicked them on us because she decided that she didn't want to pay child support any more. We were cleared of all charges, including abuse and neglect. We found out it was her that turned us in when we were called to court to discuss why she wasn't paying just days after CPS was at our house. NOT a fun time in my life. I had no idea why anyone would think such horrible things about me and Craig. Still makes me sick to think about it. I think we still had seven kids at the house. The thought of losing them was horrific.

I started out writing this with funny things that have happened and for some reason, it got darker and darker the more I wrote. I guess I needed some therapy!

Hope this helps to clear things up a bit. And yes, EVERYTHING is true! Still plenty more to come!

8 comments:

Grandma JApril 25, 2009 at 9:30 PM
Thanks for the clarifications! For a minute or two, I wondered on a couple of things. Therapy is good. . .especially with a therapist that can't talk back to you. Way to go for being a survivor!
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probstApril 25, 2009 at 10:06 PM
I knew all this stuff was going on over the years, but living 2000 miles away has its advantages as well as disadvantages. I really didn't realize there was so much until I saw it all on one spot. I didn't worry about it while it was happening but now I wonder why you aren't commited to the goofy house.
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LadyfoxApril 25, 2009 at 11:25 PM
What in the heck? You have some interesting adventures and I don't want to experience any of them. I will learn from you instead. Make sure you unload all those things on us so you won't blow up!
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Grandma JApril 27, 2009 at 12:41 AM
After thinking about it for a bit, I don't think you need a therapist. You can BE the therapist with all that experience!
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Adam HensenApril 27, 2009 at 9:05 AM
ahh, not so bad.
if your going to talk about the big van break downs, you should mention the one when we broke down in Far West and half the kids had to wait there for 4 hours so you could come back with a new belt.
And about the pole, WHO PUTS SMALL POLES AROUND A BIG POLE!!!! It came out of the middle of nowhere, it had a death wish!
And "you look up and see your husband engulfed in flames" which time are you referring to? There were at least 4 of those, the latest one of course being the worst!
and about your bed taking a year, don't feel bad, it took me over a week and a half to figure out how to put my $45 oscillating fan together.
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Grandma JApril 27, 2009 at 11:15 PM
Maybe you should write a book. You could quit your day job. This has a lot of potential of being a best seller!
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probstApril 28, 2009 at 2:43 PM
I don't even want to go where Adam mentioned. When did your husband catch on fire 4 times? I knew about one. Are you sure you aren't writing from the goofy house? Nobody could go through all that stuff and keep their sanity.
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AnonymousMay 15, 2009 at 12:25 AM
What did the previous post say about Matt?
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What Do You Say When...

Your son calls you after you have left for Alaska to ask if he can move back in. And he wants to move his stuff in NOW.
Three of your step-children refuse to wish you a happy Mother's Day.
You decide to try your aunt's recipe for saurkraut and you need uniodized salt and the only salt that you have is caked rock hard and you smash the side of it on the edge of the counter but you forget to move your finger out of the way and now you have literally half a fingernail.
You are traveling up the Colorado mountains in the Big Van with the trailor behind you and the accelerator pushed to the floor and you are only going 30mph.
Your son calls to tell you that he was trying to make a U-turn and got the van stuck on the side of the road and when you get there, he is stuck up to the axels in mud about 30 feet off of the road and you have to call a tow truck to get him out.
Your kids put hundreds of lightening bugs in your mom's hair.
Your parents have your son with them on vacation and they run off the side of the road and everything gets tipped over in the trailor but the TV is safe.
Your son spills an entire bottle of Indian Ink on your beige carpet.
Your son sleep walks and tries to pee in the corner.
You demonstrate faith in FHE by falling backwards off the steps while your family catches you and your youngest son doesn't make sure anyone is paying attention on his turn.
Your husband tries to remove the hot water heater and loses control because its too heavy and throws it out the back door and now your concrete steps are pulverized.
Your son drops the soap in the shower and bends down to pick it up and bonks his head on the shaving cream can and ends up with a scar that looks like Harry Potter's that lasts for WEEKS!
Your husband has the phone cord stretched across the room and your son bends down to duck under it and rams his head into the back of the chair, then screams bloody murder because he thinks he popped his eye out.
You wake your son from a nap to eat dinner and as he is waiting to be seated, he falls flat on his back and continues to sleep soundly.
You go to pay your water bill and while standing in line, you overhear the lady in front of you ask the clerk, "So... can we drink our water yet?"
Your front yard is discussed as a problem in a city council meeting.
Your son is accused of being a gang member by the city council because he likes to skateboard.
Your son gets "no skateboarding" signs put up in town and at the grocery store a town away.
Your son gets threatened with suspension from school because he started "Moccasin Tuesday"
Your son tries to complain to the school about receiving out-dated milk and honey buns and the Superintendent tells him that he has no right to complain because he is on the free lunch program.
You are on vacation and your son calls at 4 am to say that a drunk missed the stop sign and plowed through the fence and hit the big tree in your front yard and when the policeman arrives, he has to go to the bathroom and promtly pees on your tree.
Your kids excitedly describe to you all the different colors that a penny makes when they drop it from the top bunk and it lands on the prongs of the night light, and now you see all the scorches on the wall.
Your neighbor stops you on your way into the house to inform you that your son just lit the ditch on the side of your house on fire and all the fire trucks just left.
You decide to set off some bug bombs (because you live in Texas) and you forget about the monitored fire alarm and you can now hear the fire trucks off in the distance.
You try to hire a housekeeper but they all refuse because it is too much and you haven't even discussed pay yet.
You have about 200 DVDs stolen from you while they are at the church.
Your teenage son that just broke both arms needs someone to wipe his bum.
Your son is told repeatedly NOT to go outside without shoes on because you just re-shingled the house and he does, and you end up in the ER.
Your son gets a piece of glass wedged into his palm but the doctors can't get it out without deadening it but he can't have any anesthesia because he is participating in a drug study.
Your husband drags home yet ANOTHER Volkswagen corpse.
Your son tries so hard to rip a steering wheel out of a VW that he rips half of his finger off, and the steering wheel remains planted firmly.
Lightening flashes the same time that a deafening thunder booms and you see fire balls dancing on your walls and now ALL of your appliances are fried!
Your teenage boys get the bright idea to burn trash in the middle of summer when the wind is blowing during a burn ban.
Your kids show you a video of themselves putting a bra and panties on your son while he is sleeping.
Your son tries so hard not to throw up and covers his mouth so tight that when he DOES throw up, he squirts it ALL over the walls, ceiling, kitchen table and yourself!
You buy a brand new 10x12 carpet for the living room and your son throws up on it EIGHT times!
Your youngest son comes into the house crying, "I set the field on fire!" and you look out the front window just in time to see a huge billowing smoke cloud that resembles a black atom bomb behind your neighbor's house.
You are in labor when your loving husband leaves you to take a final exam and ends up behind a string of multiple-car pile ups because some farmer decided to burn his rice fields that day and he doesn't come home for HOURS and when he finally does get out of the wreckage, instead of calling you like a concerned husband, he stops to get a haircut so you end up getting to the hospital just in time, but not in time to receive any kind of pain killer or anesthesia!
You are sitting in the mall because you are starving and just bought some chicken nuggets and some teenagers run through yelling, "The levee broke!" and as you run out of the mall, you see everyone else running out like a movie and as you turn on the radio, you hear the buzzing noise of the Emergency Broadcast System and then you realize that you left your darned chicken nuggets on the bench in the mall!
Your leg hurts so bad that you use a wheel chair, you have an MRI on your back and head, an EMG, (and if anyone wants to do one on you, RUN!) a spinal tap, another EMG, take medicine that makes your back hurt so bad that you can't walk (not to mention, makes you loopy), go to an endocrinologist, a rheumatologist, two neurologists, a chiropractor, and get stuck with hundreds (or quite possibly thousands) of accupunture needles and NO one can come up with a diagnosis!
Your son is crying hysterically because he just tried to fight his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend but he missed and hit her instead and now the police want to talk to you!
You and your husband are on vacation and your children call to say that they just got hit by a hay truck and the car is totaled.
You see that a cop has someone pulled over in front of your house and being the nosey neighbor that you are, you look out to see it is one of your own children, THREE TIMES!
Your van filled with your eight kids breaks down in Far West and you are 100 miles from the nearest town and your mom & dad have their pick up truck but only a third of you can fit in the truck at a time, so you leave the older kids and try to buy a compressor with your out-dated credit card that you never use but keep for emergencies, and the car part that you DID get is the wrong one so you have to go back and get the right one, AND there's a harry looking storm headed your way! (Thanks, Adam!)
You are discussing how your son landed in jail and two of your other kids admit to being arrested too!
You tell your son not to go pellet gun shooting without his protective glasses and when you come home, you find that he chose NOT to wear them and now has blood pooling in his iris.
The lady in the front row in choir tells your husband that he can't sing and he gets up and leaves and YOU are the director.
You look up and see your husband engulfed in flames.
You buy a soda at the same store that your debit card blooped at you and the lady asks, "Is that the same card you tried to use yesterday?"
You ask that some small trees be cut down and the tree parts are now laying neatly on your flowers.
You are awakened out of a Sunday nap with the report that your son just fell out of a tree head first and they think he broke his neck.
Your son tells you that his daughter is in the hospital with an infection in her knee and may have permanent damage from it.
The police show up in the middle of Sacrament Meeting looking for Mr. & Mrs. "You" and tells you your son has been in a car accident.
The conversation in the car goes, "Pole!" "I see it!" BAAMMM! "Well, I didn't see THAT pole!"
You are stuck in Austin traffic trying to get your daughter to her college graduation on time and she says, "I forgot my graduation gown!"
You try to buy a soda with your debit card but it bloops at you so you have to pay for it with sticky nickles that you found between the seats!
You get a new weed eater and the kids mow down your entire flower bed!
You finally decide that you want a little sporty car but your husband can't fit in it.
You buy a bed from a "reputable dealer" and they deliver it but never figure out how to put it together... for almost a year!
You have eight children in the car dressed in Sunday clothes and your car breaks down 5 miles from civilization and your husband is in Alabama.
The IRS sends you a letter that says you owe $15,000 and gives you the address where you can mail the check.
Your husband introduces you in the temple as his ex-wife.
Your son says, "I've moved out... and I'm living with my girlfriend."
Your daughter says that she's moving in with a complete stranger that she met on the internet and it's not a female.
Your co-worker says, "We need one of those dictionary books so we can write all these things down."
You order 50 jars of babyfood at work and they bring you 50 jars of Sweet Potatoes!
Child Protective Services comes to your door and starts interrogating you about your children but won't tell you what they are looking for or why they are there.
Your friends are talking about when you should perform CPR "you know, because you see dead people all the time."
One of the elders that comes to eat dinner with you says, "This is the dirtiest house I've ever been in!"
Your husband of almost 14 years tells you he wants a divorce.
The nurse on the other end of the phone says that you have breast cancer.

Things I am Thankful For:

The peace found inside the Temple (like no where else in this world!)
The Support of my "Long Distance Family"
Actually FINISHING a project!
Spotting a killer whale
Baluga Whales spouting all over
3 National Forests in one week
Enjoying a vacation of a lifetime with your parents
Having a steward named Ing that cleaned your room and made your bed every time you turned around
Wild moose on the side of the road
Bald Eagles flying over your head
ALASKA!!!!!
Keeping connected to friends and family via blogging
Summer Break!!!!
Beautiful Falls within driving distances from home
Bass Pro Shops
Cici's cinnamon rolls
Cici's All-You-Can-Eat Pizza for $5
Petite Sophisticates Outlets
Appologies
My kind and very loving children
Bandaids
Mr. Chitty
Prayer
My Testimony of the Church
I am NOT a "Born-Again" Christian
Friday Night Date Nights
Naps
A Day Job
Memories
A Very Patient and Loving Heavenly Father
iPods
Freshly Mowed Lawns
Beautiful Spring Days
Fast Food
Pets
My Back Yard
My Health
Kelly
Blackberrys
Air Conditioning in Texas
Family
My Mom & Dad
Beautiful Flower Gardens
My Warm, Soft Bed
The Internet
A Husband Who Thinks of My Needs Before His Own
Vacations
Laughter
DVRs

My Most Recent Movie Reviews

7/9 Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father: A biography that I streamed from Netflix. I absolutely LOVED this show. I HIGHLY recommend all to watch. Beware! You will need two or three tissues (even you men). (5/5 stars)
7/8 Juno: I really liked this one but Craig didn't. I thought it showed how Juno was quirky and immature in a lot of ways and yet was mature beyond her years in others. Of course, I cried. That always makes it a good movie. (4/5 stars)
7/1 Baby Mama: I really liked this movie. I laughed a lot and cried a little bit. Hilarious. Highly recommend to all. (4/5 stars)

Saturday, April 25, 2009

A Little Clarification

8 comments:

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