Pitty Party

First of all, I love having a day where I can tell my mom thank you for everything that she did for me. I know that she had one or two rough Mother's Days in the past. I really hope that Mother's Days are much more pleasant for her now and can look back on her role as a mother and be happy with everything that she did. I hope that she has no regrets. Thanks Mom for being a really good mom.

Me, on the other hand, I look at Mother's Day as a time to reflect on what a crap job I did. I couldn't keep up with the housework. I couldn't do the laundry so they all had to do their own. I didn't make them breakfast, I don't think EVER. I didn't have wonderful heart to heart talks with them where they told me that they love me, at least not very often. I can't even get my kids to walk into a church without a full blown argument. I feel like a failure. It's hard to think of anything that I did do right. I worked 2 or 3 jobs and pretty much cooked dinner and went to bed.

This Mother's Day was no different. It started out a typical Sunday morning; the kids sitting around, clothes in the dryer to get the wrinkles out, making themselves breakfast. Since I play the organ, I like to get to the church by 9:40. That means we have to pull out of the driveway at 9:30, no later. At 9:20 I asked one child if he was ready and he just looked at me, while in his underwear and no shirt on (which is totally not allowed) and kept on eating very slowly.

9:30 I said I had to go and went out to the car. Craig got his stuff and came right out. We sat, and then Craig decided that he needed to check to make sure that they knew we were waiting. Here comes Craig and one child, but no sign of the second. We waited, and waited. Soon it was 9:38 and here comes the second child walking very slowly. He gets into the car and I try to explain to him why I need to be on time to church. It then blew up into a big deal that supposedly I force the boys to church and look how going to church makes us all "so happy". But the real kicker is, Craig thinks that I shouldn't be angry after comments like those.

Am I wrong to feel hurt? When I said that I would rather the boys stay home than have to fight them every Sunday, I was told that I was the one being unreasonable. Me. Hmmm.

When it was time for the Aaronic Priesthood to hand out flowers to the mothers, do you think one of my own boys would give me one? No. One made it a point to pass over me. One of the other little boys in church had to give me my flower.

After church the boys decided that they had to go to their mom's. That's fine. They should. Did either one of them wish ME a happy Mother's Day? No. They had plenty of opportunity. I feel that they were refusing to. Thanks. I gave up a real life to help raise them. Who took on the second and third jobs to feed and clothe them. Not Craig, and certainly NOT their own mother.

So, I guess that makes me wonder, what IS my role here? Is it a Mother? Or am I just an ogre with whom they share a home? If so, why do I have to make all the sacrifices and not either one of the "real" parents do? Why don't I get any of the perks of being a parent? Am I truly a nobody? I wonder what would happen if I just quit work, refuse to do all the day-to-day chores of taking care of teen aged boys and stopped feeding them?

I have to say though, my OWN kids REALLY made me feel loved and appreciated. It was a real blessing to be able to spend time with them and I am so thankful for all the very thoughtful gifts that they gave me. Each one of my own children made a special effort to make sure that they wished me a happy Mother's Day. It really reminded me of how much I miss them being around. Quite a contrast.

Next year, I'm going to rent a hotel room and invite my own children to visit me. Then I will not have to be reminded that I am not the boys' mother, not worthy of a simple "Happy Mother's Day", and not have to spend the day in complete inner turmoil.

It's not all fun at The Funny Farm.

Lets Make Saurkraut!

I started a batch of saurkraut today. I started out thinking, "Hmm. This is a lot easier than I expected!" But then, how hard do you really have to smash cabbage in order to get 1-2" of water to cover the cabbage? Pretty hard. Plus, the only uniodized salt that I had was rock-hard and I had to bang the canister on the edge of the countertop.

I'm banging, and banging, and all of a sudden, I banged my fingernail! Oooouuuuccchh!!!!!

It split right down the middle and half came completely off. Blood everywhere. (except in the cabbage)

This saurkraut better be good!

The Trouble With Pink Panthers

Adam went to a small town near Beaumont, Tx this week for work. Last week, a black guy died while in police custody. The area is well known for being quite racial to begin with. On Monday, the New Black Panthers (and in MY world I constantly call them the PINK Panthers) held a demonstration outside the police department one town away. Tomorrow they are scheduled for a "town meeting" in the same town that Adam is staying in. This morning, the high school received a threatening phone call that some guns will be brought to school, and the local hospital received a warning call to be ready for "a lot of high school kids to be injured". Adam was not in the school that was threatened but he was in the Middle School across the street so everyone was in "lockdown". He and a few others had to go into the closet for about an hour until they decided that it was safe enough to hold class, but no one was allowed to roam the halls.

Needless to say, he has now gone back to the hotel room, is packing up and leaving. He will go back in a few weeks when everything has calmed down.

You can read his version of the entire story later when he posts it on his blog. He says he has QUITE a story to tell.

No Credit For Trying

I wonder sometimes what I'm doing.

I agreed to help raise 4 boys that are not mine. It was given to me, I did not ask for the job. I jumped in gung-ho thinking that I was really going to help these poor, poor children who so desperately needed me. I immediately set some goals, rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Thanksgiving Dinner night after night and 3 or 4 loads of laundry a day were the norms of life.

In order to fit everyone in the house, we needed to find a new home. I had big dreams. Even though the house that we bought only had two bedrooms, it had a huge garage that had plenty of space for three more bedrooms and a bathroom. I was determined to provide for the children. I had a business caring for medically fragile children in my home. That quickly became insufficient for their feeding and clothing needs and the overwhelming number of other needs that all children have. My husband was putting in all the hours that he could so it was left up to me. I had to take a second job and the only thing available was on the night shift. The stress really took a toll on me but I was determined to help make a good home for everyone.

The reconstruction of the home took much more than expected, child support dwindled to all but nothing, and we were getting more and more behind on our bills. The mortgage was nearly 90 days past due, and the utilities took their turns each month being disconnected. We ate an awful lot of rice from the food storage. So much that I don't make it much anymore. New clothes for myself were a distant dream, for each fall brought with it the mandatory purchases of new school clothes and supplies costing hundreds of dollars. Shoes needed replacing every two to three months. Clothes were constantly needing replacements. Credit cards were maxed out and the stress escalated.

So much of my life was put on hold for the collective purpose of raising the children. Personal goals were put on the back burner and survival was the word of the day. I was not only responsible for MY survival, but for eight children, some of which were too small to help care for themselves. Tension was in the air and tempers ran short. As much as I tried to teach the children something like 'love one another' or 'many hands make the work load light', it seems that they did everything in their power to oppose me.

Now, things are a little different. There are only two of them left at the house. They still resent me trying to teach them anything but financially, we are much better off. I am now trying to do little things for myself. I get my nails done now, get my hair done once in a while, and occasionally purchase a new shirt or pair of jeans. I've never had the luxury of buying anything for myself without having tremendous guilt for doing so.

So what is the issue? My own children tell me all the time that they understand that I did the best I could under the circumstances, yet these boys express nothing but resentment and sometimes downright hatred toward me. I understand that I am not their mother, and I never want to replace her, but I was the one who sacrificed years of my life for them. I was the one who made sure that they ate when they were hungry. I made sure that they had all the things they needed in school. I gave up everything for them.

For what?

Not to Brag or Nothin'

Not to brag or anything but...

This is OUR garden. Well, actually it's Mr. Chitty's garden but we claim it because we pay the mortgage. The corn got knocked over from the storm last night but it doesn't look like any of it broke off. Looks like it will recover well.

We have already harvested onions, radishes, sweet peas, and cabbage.

In the Closet Once Again!

Well, here we are again taking shelter from the tornados! My goodness! Second time in a week. This time we were trying to fix Bethany's car and the sirens went off. We all got into the bathroom. Even Clipsie and Sadie got in with us. The cat and bird had to fend for themselves.

But once again, we are safe! Yea!!!

If the Shirt Fits...

We found this shirt at Wal-mart and thought that Craig NEEDED it! It really fits, doesn't it?

We asked the boys what we all learned from this experience. Ryan promptly answered "Don't play with fire!" But after much thought, Dillon stated (more under his breath than out loud) "read the label."

Well, at least we all learned SOMETHING!